Deep
by PayItForwardYo
Summary: (Moments Series, #16) Regina has always know that Emma deserves the best of everything, and has always feared the day when that's more than she has to give.


**Notes:** (Part 16 of the "Moments" series, after another fairly enormous hiatus.)

Hi guys. So, I accidentally wrote another bit to this series. I think it was either nostalgia or relief that the show's almost over. I haven't watched in like 5 years or something, so canon compliant simply isn't a thing here.

In case you haven't read the previous entries (I don't blame you, they're hella old) Emma and Regina share a link that allows them to feel each other's emotions in some vague way I've never really defined.

There are sexytimes, much to my horror, but the story was impossible without it. And finally, it's edited a little, but not really. So, sorry about that.

* * *

She'd been reluctant to leave Town Hall early even though the contentious morning had left her head pounding and nerves raw. The fact that Emma had felt it across their bond despite Regina's normally impeccable command of her emotions and texted had made her waver, but it was the blonde's words that had ultimately convinced her to leave and not her own lack of self control.

 _Remember you're not alone anymore. I'm gonna head home early. I hope you'll come home too and let me help._

No questions, just "I'm here", and Regina had packed up her briefcase and left soon after.

When she pulled up in front of the mansion to Snow's car parked alongside Emma's she cursed herself for not texting back. Regina yearned to feel powerful arms pull her into a strong but gentle embrace and block out the world, if only for a moment. Even the thought of it, still out of reach but only slightly, released some of her tension. The pounding in her head ebbed a fraction and her stomach, continuously roiling in sympathy, settled.

As she closed the heavy door behind her the sound of voices billowed in. Stepping through to the living room where Emma and Snow sat facing away, she intended to announce herself, but her mouth snapped closed on any greeting she had planned as the conversation filtered through her brain.

"I just want you to be happy, you know that. Sweetie, can't you just talk to her?"

Regina froze in place, a steel band of absolute terror constricting around her heart. Emma was unhappy?

"It's not a big deal," Emma replied almost conversationally but rubbed absently at her chest, and Regina had to focus her entire will on not vomitting.

"But your eyes lit up when we talked about it. You were so happy. I could see it." Snow reached for Emma's hand across the couch. "You bought a ring!"

And that was it. Black spots danced across Regina's vision and she couldn't possibly survive a single moment more of her own personal hell unfolding before her. She stepped back into the foyer, hand steadying herself along the wall, and re-closed the door firmly enough that everyone would have to hear. Using every ounce of her considerable will, she crossed back to the living room threshold.

"Regina," Snow turned and smiled, beginning to stand despite being oblivious to Regina's turmoil. "Emma said you were taking a half day together. I was just on my way out."

Emma had turned too, and Regina watched her features crease in concern. She swallowed down more than a hint of bile, and tried to at least sound somewhat normal so she could make an escape. "There's no hurry. Stay and visit for a while if you want." Regina passed her hand across her forehead, despite herself. "I just need to lie down."

Both Snow and Emma opened their mouth to object but the thought of having to face anybody, even Emma, in her current state and with her defenses in tatters had her whispering an uncharacterist "Please" that caused Emma to stop in her tracks and then rein in her mother.

"You're sure you're ok. Sweetheart?" Emma was so sweet and so concerned and Regina could feel it all across their bond. How could she let Emma down so completely and still selfishly accept all that love?

It took everything she had to keep her eyes dry and her breathing normal but she did, and when she responded she had herself under control enough that Snow smiled and Emma was mollified.

"Of course," Regina smiled somewhat unconvincingly. "I need a dark room more than anything else. It will do wonders."

And with that, Regina fled.

* * *

"Is Regina sick? Should I let you go?" Snow was still hovering somewhere between sitting and standing, uncertain.

"I'm not sure, but she clearly needs a minute." Emma murmured, shifting her fretful gaze from Regina's departure up the stairs to focus on Snow. "Stay though, I need you to understand something."

Snow hesitated, then sat, eyes earnest, wide, and waiting.

"I know you want me to be happy, I do," Emma began, "But you have to understand what that means to me. It doesn't have anything to do with a ceremony; I really don't care. All I need is to be with Regina and for her to be happy. For us to be happy."

Emma grasped Snow's hand and held it in her own, absently twirling her mother's wedding ring about her finger.

"When I bought the ring, I thought a wedding was the key. I thought Regina needed something official she could hold in her hand and wear on her finger and look at every day that said I was staying. That I loved her enough to never ever leave her. I thought I could give her that confidence with a wedding and vows and a ring. I thought she needed it, so I needed it too. More than anything"

"But that's not what marriage is to Regina." And here is where Emma slowed, careful with her words. Because everyone knew Regina's marriage was hell, even Snow, but they mostly didn't talk about it.

"Marriage is not a promise. It's a prison. She dreams of it almost every time she closes her eyes, and she says things that she would never say when she's awake, and I know things she probably wishes I don't."

Snow's eyes were wet, but she nodded.

"She needs the freedom to leave to be confident enough to stay. I will not cage her up to show her that I love her."

* * *

Emma entered their bedroom just as Regina was returning from the bathroom and it didn't take a genius to see that she'd spent most of her time since returning home being sick. Her eyes skittered to Emma's briefly but she just continued her slow trek to the bed, seemingly worried she wouldn't make it if she lost her momentum.

Sighing and concerned, Emma veered to the dresser to retrieve Regina's softest and most comfortable un-Regina-like pajamas from the bottom of the lowest drawer, not quite sure what was wrong and at a loss for a better way to help. She sat on the bed next to Regina and placed the pajamas in her lap, leaving her hand resting on top of them.

"Are you ok?" Emma whispered.

"I-," Regina began, then stuttered, unsure. "I think I have a migraine."

It was a safe admission, as long as they didn't discuss the cause. "I seem to have let the day get the better of me." She continued, remaining truthful though vague. The realization that Emma longed for practically the one thing she could not give was not something she was not strong enough to voice.

"Come on, lie back," Emma instructed as she slid to the center of the bed and did so herself. When Regina didn't immediately follow she tugged a bit at the massively rumpled expensive blouse.

"Emma, you don't have to-"

Emma tugged harder and Regina layed back out of necessity, still protesting. "Emma, please. You must have more important things to do."

"More important than helping you?" Emma scoffed. "Not a thing," Emma disagreed easily, running a hand gently across Regina's shoulder as she molded the finally unresisting woman against her side.

"Jesus, Regina. You're tied up in knots." Regina's back felt like a rod of steel under her gently probing fingers.

"Do I have to kick somebody's ass?" Emma practically growled and she tensed a bit with the anger she felt. But Regina just snuggled closer and shook her head slightly and Emma was relaxing again, content to be the pillow that Regina needed her to be, and not the Savior she didn't.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Emma queried gently. She could feel some of the tension seeping out of her love, but it seemed hardly enough. And she knew that Regina would bottle up whatever it was that was bothering her, leading to sleepless nights, more migraines, and worse.

But Regina shook her head again, and gently grasped at Emma's shirt, tethering herself to the blonde. Her breath hitched once and Emma sighed, letting it go. "It's ok. Rest now, my love."

And Regina did.

* * *

Regina's headache had resolved itself, she insisted, by the next day but whatever had caused her upset had not, at least as far as Emma could tell. She tried to get her to open up a few more times after that night, but she made no headway and eventually let it drop when she realized her constant queries were adding to Regina's turmoil, not helping resolve it.

And the more solicitous Emma was, trying to ease a burden she knew nothing about, the more Regina retreated into her own dark thoughts. But no matter how much she withdrew during the day, at night she would curl into Emma's side and hold on like her very life depended on it, despite her new resolve to stop taking so much from Emma when she could return so little.

Emma was more confused than ever, but she refused to give up. She knew marriage wasn't the way to show Regina she would never leave her, but she would never stop trying to find what was.

* * *

Regina had long since lost track of time, but light still shone through the windows when Emma had found her in their bedroom folding laundry of all things and began worshiping her body, and it was now pitch black outside and lit inside only by the glowing light from the walk in closet. She'd attempted to reciprocate in the beginning, when she could still form coherent thoughts, but Emma had gently rebuffed her attempts each time. And eventually it had all become too much, and Regina couldn't focus past the almost overwhelming pleasure she was feeling to try and make the evening more equitable.

But every body has its limits, and Regina's was approaching hers. Every swipe of Emma's tongue and thrust of her fingers, no matter how deliberately intended to prolong her pleasure, was bringing Regina's body closer and closer to it's breaking point.

She could feel her release still hovering just out of reach where Emma intended it and she mewled unconsciously. She knew Emma loved it when she lost control like this, her normal inhibitions completely silenced by Emma's knowledge of her body and commitment to Regina's pleasure.

She felt Emma smile into her folds as her tongue sped up slightly in response to Regina's body's queues, and forced her eyes open to look down at the blonde head nestled between her thighs. Emma's one hand was hidden beneath her chin as her fingers thrust and stroked her from deep inside while the other rested atop the gentle curve of her belly, thumb firmly massaging the sensitized area in harmony with her thrusts. Regina's one hand was buried in golden tresses, but it had long ago stopped guiding Emma and was only there to ground Regina, to connect her to her lover tangibly, and keep her from feeling adrift in the pleasure.

The sight was beautiful and Regina teetered on the edge, suddenly closer than ever. A whine escaped her lips, again with out her consent, and Emma knew and looked up at Regina through her damp and ruffled locks. Her eyes shone with devotion and a hint of pride and Regina felt her last ounce of control slip away and she was gone.

Her orgasm washed over her in waves as she fell apart under Emma's skilled ministrations. Her back arched but she had no control over it as she convulsed against Emma's mouth. Even as her abdominal muscles gave way and she fell back to the bed she vaguely knew that Emma hadn't stopped working her body.

Her second orgasm was upon her instantly but she could do nothing more than lift her hips from the bed, tighter against Emma, as she milked the finally still fingers deep inside her.

Emma had been known to push her past two orgasms in the past but something about her cries told Emma that she was spent. The fingers inside her had already stilled as her hips fell back to the bed and she felt Emma's mouth gentle against her, no longer working her up towards ecstasy.

Too exhausted to fight the glut of hormones rushing through her body, heightening her already intense emotions, and the feel of Emma's tongue gently bringing her down, Regina began to cry. Knowing she was helpless to stop what was about to come, she flung her arm across her eyes as the stream of tears turned to sobs, trying to hide.

Emma was at her side in an instant, pressed against her fully with a hand splayed protectively over her sternum.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Emma's voice was steady but Regina could feel her heart hammering in her chest where they were pressed together. She tried to say something, anything, to reassure the woman but all that came out was a wet jumble of incoherency that had the opposite effect.

"Jesus. Regina honey," and now Emma's voice was not steady, because making love to Regina had to be done mindfully. "Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?"

That got through to Regina and she shook her head sharply, almost angrily, even as her sobs escalated out of control.

There was a pause then she was aware of the hand at her sternum dropping lower to rest against her abdomen. "Sweetheart, I need you to focus on your breathing or I'm gonna lose you." The hand pressed more firmly against her diaphragm. "Breathe against my hand Regina. Breathe with me."

The voice was soothing but firm and Regina tried to do as she asked. It was hard to tell if it was working but Emma said it was and that she was doing a good job so Regina figured at least things had stopped getting worse. And eventually she could feel her command over her body returning so she tried to reassure Emma but, to her horror, instead it all came spilling out. Words she never intended to utter out loud poured from her soul between gulping breaths and left over tears, the burden of holding the shame inside too much.

"I'm so sorry, Emma." Regina sobbed into her neck. "I love you so much and I'm so sorry."

That sounded awful and Emma felt a panic start to build. It took a moment, the feeling swelling in her chest, before she began to successfully wrestle it down. She'd spent the better part of a week desperate for Regina to open up and she'd be damned if she was going to let her own insecurities get in the way. She knew Regina loved her. She had a thousand moments of proof and the feeling in her chest whenever Regina thought about her and wasn't mindful of their link. She focused on those moments and let the panic pass.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," she soothed when she was certain she could control her voice. "There's nothing we can't get through together, but I need to know what going on in there." Emma tapped at Regina's temple, then turned it into a caress, willing Regina to stay with her in the moment and open up.

"I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be."

"You are everything I need." Emma answered simply. "There isn't a single thing I need in this life that you don't give me."

"I can't," Regina began brokenly, her tears picking up again. "I want to marry you so much but I can't. Not ever again, Emma. Never again."

Emma froze, understanding flooding her so fast it was dizzying.

"You heard Snow," Emma stated unnecessarily, and Regina sniffled her assent. "God damn her."

Regina immediately shook her head emphatically, grasping at Emma's hands. "No, no, no," she murmured wetly. "This is my fault. You give me everything and I can't give you the one thing you ask of me."

Emma sighed, then shifted up slightly on the bed, her hand moving from Regina abdomen to her chin and gently shifting Regina's head until she had no choice but to meet Emma's gaze.

"Listen," Emma paused, licking her lips and considering. "I know what you heard, and what you think it means, but you're wrong." Regina began shaking her head back and forth again before Emma even finished the sentence and Emma felt her resolve harden.

"No, listen. You're wrong," she repeated firmly. "I would love to be your wife and when I thought it was something that would make you happy, I bought you a ring and I wanted to make it happen with every fiber of my being. But it was for you, Regina, I wanted to make it happen for you."

"Ever since we fought," Emma continued but paused when she felt Regina's breath hitch under her palm. Because they'd never talked about that awful day, not once. But they had to now because things were falling apart and she had to fix this, so she pushed ahead even though Regina's eyes we wide and fearful and Emma hated that she was the cause.

"Ever since that day when I walked out and you thought I'd left you, I've been looking for ways to show you that will never happen. That's why I bought you a ring. But I think you knew somehow, maybe because we're connected and I can't put a damper on this link between us, and your nightmares got worse and worse and, I'm sorry baby, but you started talking in your sleep."

Emma paused, and gently took Regina's hand in hers as she watched the realization wash over her love. The tears that had almost abated started again and Emma kissed them away gently.

"Emma," Regina gasped, clearly horrified.

"No honey, no. It's ok. I promise it's ok."

"I-" But Regina had nothing and she just closed her eyes after a moment of having no words to express the horror she felt at Emma knowing what she'd been dreaming at night. Instead, she tightened her grip on Emma's hand and pulled it up under her chin and curled in on herself. Emma sighed, at a complete loss, then wrapped herself around Regina as completely as she could, pulling the blankets up over them both.

* * *

It was late afternoon the next day before Regina made her way downstairs. She was dwarfed in Emma's sweats, completely without makeup and impossibly rumpled. Emma had worried that Regina's fear would turn to anger, as often happened, but she curled up next to Emma on the sofa immediately and rested her head against her shoulder. They didn't talk, but Regina didn't pull away, and Emma was so relieved. But by the time evening came and went, and Regina was heading back upstairs still without having said a word, Emma began to fret.

Regina had clung to her all day but couldn't make eye contact, and Emma had no idea what any of it meant. She loitered in the kitchen for a bit, tidying things that didn't need tidying and then headed up to bed as well.

* * *

Regina gasped upright next to her in the bed and Emma was awake immediately and sitting up next to her a moment later. Emma placed a hand gently across her back and pulled her close, staying like that for ages until Emma felt more than heard Regina's muffled voice against her neck.

"What was that sweetheart," Emma asked oh so gently.

Regina pulled back and met Emma's eyes for the first time since everything had gone so wrong. "You said you bought a ring. May I see it?"

Emma blinked, surprised, the scrambled off the bed to pull the velvet box out of her gun case in the closet. When she returned to the bed she handed it over to Regina, making sure to be as nonchalant as possible, because something was definitely happening here, but she had no idea what it was.

Regina popped open the lid and Emma heard her throat catch as she saw it.

"Emma," Regina barely breathed out, "It's beautiful."

Emma smiled despite herself. "I'm glad you like it," she replied, almost shyly.

Regina looked at it for a moment longer, wonder clearly displayed across her features, before she closed the case in her hands with a snap. Her stare was penetrating and Emma tried not to fidget, but Regina regarded her for so long that it was impossible not to.

Finally, Emma broke the silence. "Are you ok?"

Regina regarded her for a second longer before she replied. "I was dreaming about you and about about us. About the way it feels when you look at me and when you think about me."

Regina's cheeks flushed beautifully. "About how it feels when you're inside me. Touching me so intimately."

Emma watched the flush deepen and expand across her chest and despite everything Emma was charmed. She knew that Regina was thinking about when they'd made love the night before and suddenly Emma's own pulse was quickening as well.

"I know you feel as though you're always completely open to me with this bond we share, and you are to an extent. I can feel the echos of your emotions alongside my own, almost like stage directions in a play, and I end up with a fairly complete understanding of what you're feeling most of the time. When you're in danger it's amplified and when it's mundane it's more muted, but it's mostly just an understanding of the emotions you're feeling."

"But when we make love, it's so much more," she continued. "Everything drops away except what you're feeling for me and I," Regina vaguely fluttered her hands about, search for a way to describe the indescribable. "I feel you feeling love for me, but then I feel it inside of me too, what you are actually feeling for me, and it is so-"

Regina eyes were clouded over, in a daze, remembering the feelings and Emma waited patiently, trying to understand.

"Deep," Regina finally supplied. "Your love feels so deep, and powerful, and true. And it's for me, and it's overwhelming. And I just don't understand how you can feel those things for me. For **me**."

In an instant Regina's gaze was focused and sharp, and held Emma's effortlessly.

"I can not marry you, Emma Swan, no matter how much I would like to. But if you'll have me, I would love to be your fiancée."

* * *

 **End Notes:**

Like before, I'm not really back. Sometimes though, I like to visit.


End file.
